Oreo
by outerelf
Summary: The plastic Golden Oreos are trying to take over the world. Cracky oneshot.


Prowl glanced from Ratchet, down to the human, and back at Ratchet. "You want me to do _what_?"

"Prowl, really! You need to get outside, and be doing something. Growing your own garden should be perfect."

"But-But-" Prowl stammered, optics flickering from human to mech and back again, "I don't know how to garden, and even if I did, why should I? I'm extremely busy."

"Every since we came down to Earth you've had nothing more on your hands then free time." Ratchet pointed out crudely. Prowl teeth nearly ground together in the remembrance of the fact. Optimus Prime had been pulling all of his work away, which was why he had nothing to do, not to mention Red Alert seemed to be taking unholy pleasure in doing all of the work for him… No, Red Alert had been simply doing his job. Prowl was the one who hadn't demanded work.

"Prowl, it doesn't require a lot of care, what you'll be growing. Just watering, maybe a little pruning every now and then, and weeding."

Prowl regarded both human and medic guardedly, energon processor falling with impeding doom. Nothing could save him now from a determined medic. Especially when said medic had a wrench in one hand. "Fine. What am I growing?"

* * *

Perceptor frowned at the human as he sorted through the large amount of pills, looking for his own. He had been told to go along with the human due to the rather unexpected injury of Bumblebee. The Camaro was currently fuming in Ratchets medbay as Ratchet screamed about the stupidity of younglings and "Sam, are you sure that you cannot simply buy another one of those?"

Sam glanced around; eyes looking for any close-by shoppers that might have heard the microscope speak, before looking down at Perceptor. "Nope, no can do. My pills I know will work, these ones I'm not sure."

Perceptor fell silent, scanning the ingredients of each of the bottles that Sam picked up, storing the information away. At last Sam extracted a bottle from the very back. "AHA! Knew I'd find it!"

As Sam walked away, the microscope peeking out of his back-pack, Perceptor continued scanning the ingredients. Maybe there was some interesting side effect that it could produce in the humans…

CPU humming with ideas, Sam didn't notice how deadly quiet the microscope was until long after the fact. "Hey Perceptor, you know how a couple months ago my dad managed to talk Ratchet into letting someone grow those extra seeds?"

"Yes." Perceptor said abstractly, CPU distracted by his own internal thoughts.

"What were the plants supposed to be?"

"I am unsure." _Yes_, Perceptor thought, _if I combine that with a little bit of this, then I should be able to create a-_

"If you do find out what it is, tell me, OK? It's been bugging me." Sam said casually. "Or, at least Mikaela has been asking recently."

0o0o0o0o0o0

Prowl and Red Alert stood side-by-side, staring at the roundish, slightly orange plant in a mixture of consternation and thought. "I'm very certain it's supposed to be that color." Prowl pointed out. "After all, it's that way in a lot of pictures."

"But so are red and orange leaves in the fall time." Red Alert pointed out. "It could mean its dying."

They continued to stare at the orange tinted fruit in silence. "I'm still unsure what plant I'm supposed to be growing." Prowl stated, door wings twitching in the sunlight. "Maybe if we access the world-wide web for information about this…thing, we'll find what we need?"

"What are you going to classify it as? I'm still not sure whether its fruit, vegetable, or a tuber." Red Alert pointed out. Both officers continued staring at it. "Have you asked Jazz?"

"Jazz, currently, would be the last one to ask. Although he has fallen in love with organic culture, it is only the culture. He claimed that an _**Apis cerana **_is a bear."

"He thought that a honeybee is a bear?" Red Alert repeated incredulously, "When did he say that?"

"Sometime after drinking a few cubes with Hound."

Red Alert thought for a moment, back to the last time he had observed Jazz and Hound together. They had also had a few high-grade cubes. Not enough to get too drunk, but enough to get a pleasant buzz… "Yes, I suppose I can see where the mix-up came from." Red Alert conceded.

This still left them with the problem of classifying this round, almost orange plant. Prowl sighed, door-wings drooping. "I attempted to look up 'orange and round' on the site called Google, but I keep getting some kind of citrus fruit. And in comparison to the organic in front of me, I do not think it is the same."

"Well, you could always try describing the vines on which it grows." Red Alert offered.

"No, that will not work, it will get mixed with all of the other types of vines that this planet has." Prowl sounded highly-aggrieved, as if the entire planet was working to make him crash due to the fact he had nothing to do other then sit here and watch a plant grow. Red Alert silently sympathized with the police officer. Prowl needed something to keep his hands busy, and there was plenty of work if Prime would only break down and admit he needed help.

But so far Prime refused, and Prowl was the one left with nothing to do. "Let's go inside and see if we can't find Hound. He'd probably know."

"Hound is currently on a two-day trip along the coast and took along Beachcomber, Trailbreaker, Mirage, and several others. Remember?"

Red Alert fell silent at the memory nudge as his CPU whirled to figure out a different mech. "Well, Perceptor is here, and _he _would probably know what is going on. He likes Earths plants."

"Really, last I knew he was-"

Both broke off as Perceptor came running out of the Arks hidden entrance in the mountain. They had set up base, carving out the entire mountain for their use, making more then one human complain about where to put the dirt. Prime had charitably taken it to flooding areas and left it there. The ambassadors were still hopping over that, but-

Red Alert winced as Perceptor squashed the orange thing lying in the dirt. Prowl groaned, one hand coming up to his eyebrow ridge in a human-mimicked gesture to rub his forehead. "Perceptor, please watch where you're going."

Perceptor frowned, lifting up his organic covered foot. "Prowl? I didn't step on a human, did I?"

Perceptor rapidly growing panic was offset as Prowl said reassuringly, "No. Just… a plant."

The red Autobot bent down to stare at the remains. "Oh, a pumpkin. Ok, I see. Sorry Prowl. Were you taking care of it?"

Prowl silently shook his head, deciding to spare the scientist the guilt it would bring. If any guilt at all. No, Perceptor would probably decide he'd have to make it up, and the only way to do that-

Red Alert caught Prowls optic as they both internally winced at the idea of a transformer sized pumpkin. It would have to be somewhere around four-to-five sizes larger then any human to properly make it large enough.

Wheeljack was already causing enough problems over the Friday the Thirteenth theory. No need for anything more to nudge on the engineers interest. That also created an alarming thought- "Prowl, where is Wheeljack?"

"He went out into the nearby city. Remember, today is the Thirteenth."

Red Alert winced. A bad luck day. Well, bad luck number one would be Perceptor running over Prowls pumpkin. It would yet to be seen what bad luck number two would be… "Red Alert, Prowl, I was experimenting on over-the-counter drugs-"

Bad luck number two had just struck. "-when I came across an interesting side-effect. If you mix a bit of Airborne-" As Perceptor rambled on his list of ingredients, Red Alert and Prowl optics met in consternation. Who the _slag _had introduced Perceptor to over-the-counter drugs? Whoever it had been had to of been insane.

"-and then combine it with energon-" Perceptor began to finish up, "-you'll get a drink much like the human coffee."

"Coffee? You mean that supposed drink that you either love or hate?" Red Alert demanded, optic ridge rising from surprise.

"Yes, I duplicated the effects exactly I believe. Or, at least if should be the exact same since I haven't been able to test it I'm not sure."

All of Red Alert danger sensors were going off in his CPU. The only way to gain permission for testing such a thing would either be testing it on yourself, or testing it on some poor unfortunate- "Perceptor, where did you put the new energon?"

Perceptor looked at him blankly as prowl caught on to what Red Alert was saying. Instantly his CPU calculated how many different energon dispensers were scattered across the Ark, and how long it would take to test every single one of them. "Nowhere. It's just left in my lab."

A sigh of relief broke through both vocalziers, before Perceptor frowned, hand reaching up to switch on his comm. link. "Yes Sideswipe?"

Red Alert and Prowl politely waited. "Hey Perceptor, you know the energon cubes on your worktable?"

"Yes… what about them?"

"You weren't doing anything to them, were you?" Sideswipe demanded cautiously.

"Why… no, I'm not. They're the end product of an experiment. Why do you ask?"

"Oh good, we took them and gave them to Bluestreak because he was feeling down. Hope you don't mind-"

Red Alert flinched, head snapping up the entrance of the Ark. A moment later, Prowl heard the sound of a sonic boom. And it came from _inside _the base. Instantly he began moving towards the entrance, spark sinking as he hoped that he had just not heard what he knew he had heard.

Bluestreak went screaming past, living up to his name as he babbled at high speed, "Ohcrap!Ohcrap!OhCrap!Ican'tstopmoving!"

He rushed past, transforming into his vehicle mode to take off among the surrounding hills. The sound of Wheeljacks cheerful voice floated over the hills, only to be replaced by a startled yell as Bluestreak streaked past him before turning sharply to come back to the Ark.

"It's a plot." Red Alert stated with dead certainty. Prowl kept his vocalizer off, hoping that Red Alert wouldn't continue on. "The plastic Golden Oreos are finally making a move against us."

"What?" Prowl was startled out of his silence of before, optics darting to see Red Alert standing with his arms crossed against his chest, staring thoughtfully after Bluestreak. "How are plastic Oreos going to plot against us? Why Golden Plastic Oreos?"

As soon as the words dropped out of his mouth, Prowl wished he had a time machine to go back and shoot himself. It would be easier to listen to then the probable complete and utter nonsense that would fall out of the paranoid security directors vocalizer any moment now-

"Never mind that, that isn't important. Perceptor, is there anyway to slow down Bluestreak?"

"No… wait, maybe if I-" Perceptor began to walk back to the entrance, muttering to himself.

The officers let him go. Red Alert calmly nodded to Prowl as he moved to the entrance, optics narrowing in thought. "If you'll excuse me Prowl, I must gather up all of the plastic Golden Oreos and lock them up before they can create even more harm.

* * *

The room was empty for but the single Plastic Golden Oreo that Red Alert had found and locked up. The dim lighting played across the top, and had anyone been inside the room, they could've sworn the Oreo signature was frowning.

At last there was a tiny sound from the Oreo. "Boss? You know how you assigned me to take care of those giant alien robots? Well, I failed. They got me locked up now, and the only thought suggesting device I got is in the giant red Lamborghini. I could get him, but he ignores it."

The plastic Oreo fell silent, the frown growing an almost pained at the verbal whiplash he was receiving. "Then what am I supposed to do?" He demanded, before listening to his new orders. Slowly the insignia began tipping up into a smile. "Yessir, I will do it. O-5 is over and out. May the Plastic Oreo Empire rule the world!"

Silence fell onto the room. He had been caught today, but there would be another time. Oh yes, another time later to bring the alien robots under his control.

* * *

_A/n: I got a prompt. '__A pumpkin, Perceptor experimenting over-the-counter drugs and ... a plastic golden oreo' From there… this generally, very much cracky fic. Hope ya all like it! So R&R and tell me how you like, because it only take five seconds._


End file.
